Friday, February 13, 2009

I'm Better Than You

I'm a much better writer than you are.

Sure, I know that taste is subjective. But if we could wave a magic wand and strip away personal taste and bias, leaving only the raw, core elements of what makes writing good, everyone would know the truth: That I'm the greatest writer to ever live.

It doesn't matter if other writers make more money. They got lucky, and good for them. But my writing is better than theirs.

It doesn't matter if other writers sell more books. That's all dependent on the publisher, and how big a marketing budget a book has. It doesn't make their books better than mine.

It doesn't matter if other writers win more awards, or get better reviews. That's all subjective. On a level playing field, if we stripped away the bias and nepotism, I'm better than all of them.

I shouldn't ever say this in public, of course. People will think I'm an ass. An egomaniac. A deluded know-it-all. They'll question my grasp of reality, and try their best to cut me down, to prove me wrong.

In fact, they might try to cut me down even if I never speak of how great I am. That's okay. They're envious, or ignorant, or unhappy with their own lives. A writer as magnificent as I am can't be bothered with petty people.

But the undeniable fact remains. I am the greatest writer who ever lived. I am a legend. I am a god.

I have to believe this. I have to believe this with all of my heart and soul. How else could I keep sitting down, day after day at my computer, forcing out prose that might never ever sell?

I know I'm the best. How else could I keep my sanity in a crumbling marketplace and a volatile industry?

I'm superhuman. How else could I justify the time, the money, the blood and sweat and toil and tears I've shed pursuing this profession? How else could I believe that someday I will land that megadeal, and hit that bestseller list, and win those awards, and get those great reviews?

Do you really think I'd get anything done if I believed I sucked?

But that is irrelevant. I don't suck. I'm incredible.

Every time I struggle through a tough scene, wrack my brain for a plot complication, send yet another baby out into the world to be ridiculed and rejected, the only thing that keeps me going is my unwavering faith in myself.

I. Am. The. Best.

And if you don't think you're the best, quit now. Once you begin to doubt yourself, you get eaten alive.

I encourage all of you to gape in awe at the greatest writer in the universe. I command that you gaze into this writer's eyes and see the creative genius simmering within. The writer that towers above all others. The writer that will conquer the world.

Go. Do it now. Look at this magnificent writer.

Hint: You'll need a mirror.